Ripping leggies and ripping darts.

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October 21. 15:15

Greg Salmon | Editor

The cricket world is abuzz following Brendon McCullum’s account of the 2015 World Cup semi final. In his new biography, Declared, McCullum describes his whereabouts during the greatest moment in Blackcaps history. “I’m in my usual position in the dunnies at the back of the dressing room, smoking and listening to the crowd,” writes McCullum. Australian legend and chain smoker Shane Warne, lauded McCullum’s actions. “What a sick cunt,” says Warne. The former leg-spinner then drafted another First XI, this time containing cricket’s elite durrie munchers.

1. Chris Gayle


Arguably the game’s most devastating opener, Gayle breaks records and smoke alarms wherever he goes. “Henry’s a fuckin’ psycho,” says Warne. “He named his kid Blush for fuck sake.”

2. Brendon McCullum (vc & wk)

New Zealand v West Indies: Quarter Final - 2015 ICC Cricket World Cup

A player and dart wielder of all trades, who captained New Zealand from the depths of mediocrity. “Baz is a wonderful player and ambassador for cigarette smoking,” says Warne.

3. Wally Hammond

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England’s answer to Bradman, Wally smoked the Australian bowlers everywhere in his time. “Unlike Henry and Baz, Wally was happy to wait till stumps for his nicotine hit. You need that at number 3.”

4. Sir Vivian Richards


The game’s original master blaster and master darber. “One of my first picks,” Warne smiles. No one lit up a cricket field like Sir Viv.”

5. Doug Walters


Australia’s lovable larikin and number 5 of the 1970’s. “Doug’s unfortunately quit now. He was a fuckin’ chimney back in the day.”

6. Sir Ian Botham

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Arguably the greatest all-rounder in the game, Botham attributes his success to his cigar stash. “We still light up at Sky Sports,” laughs Warne. “You can’t get away with that shit at Channel 9.”

7. Andrew Flintoff


Widely regarded as Botham’s successor, Flintoff shared some legendary battles with the spin king. “I don’t know what Freddy smoked in ’05, but it fuckin’ worked,” says Warne. “At least I won the drag race.”

8. Shane Warne (c)

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The greatest cricketer and chain smoker to never captain Australia. “My captaincy in this side is undisputed,” says Warne. “No one packs as many as me.”

9. Fazal Mahmood

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Pakistan’s original fast bowler, who didn’t mind a puff of the wacky tobacky . “His stats speak for themselves,” says Warne. “He’s the only Asian to make the team.”

10. Robin Jackman

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A combative fast bowler for England, who was born in Apartheid South Africa. “The poor cunt was screwed politically, so he found comfort in his nicotine,” says Warne. “He would’ve got more opportunities in my team.”

11. Phil Tufnell

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England’s best spinner of the 1990’s; widely heralded as their ciggy butt brain. “He would’ve thrived in this team,” says Warne. “I would’ve made him a better spinner, and even better smoker.”